WTH Have I Been Doing?

Do you feel I’ve abandoned you? Don’t feel too put out. I abandoned me also.

I stopped writing. It’s been years since I put pen to paper. I let life, with its problems and changes, swallow me up. I didn’t even put up a fight.

The truth is that after publishing Copper Pennies, I fell into a kind of postpartum depression, for lack of a better phrase. I’m not really sure why. I didn’t have the funds to advertise, and I didn’t have the motivation to work on the sequel. Oh, and we’d recently moved back into our house that had been rebuilt after catching fire due to a lightning strike. My head just wasn’t in the right place.

Then my savings ran out and I needed to start making money. After being out of the corporate world for so long, I knew I could not work for anyone ever again. Plus, I had zero interest in jumping back into the stress and commitment of a “regular” nine-to-five. So, I focused on building my small business, Broomstick Pet Treats LLC, and did some side jobs here and there, trying to determine what was right for me. In the first few years of my little business, I’d never worked so hard for no money in my life. While it was very exciting building something from scratch, it was also discouraging, especially in the financial department. Thank the gods for my significant other. A hundred times over.

My pet treat sales started to pick up one Easter several years ago then just took off. I’d finally achieved the point where the business was paying bills. Huzzah! I was killing it. I focused on growing my product offerings and sales, and completely forgot about writing. Having my own business had also been a dream, and I sailed that high for a long time. I’d achieved my second dream! Yay me!

And then COVID hit. You’d think that would’ve been a bad thing but for my business, it was the complete opposite. Everyone was home, surfing the internet and buying dog treats. My business skyrocketed. So much so that I had to scale down because my hands and back were killing me. I’m developing arthritis in my hands, unfortunately, so I’ve really pared down what I offer. But even with that, sales are still fantastic (thank you all so much for supporting small business!), and now my struggle is to find time to write. (I’m managing my pain just fine with ibuprofen and alcohol.)

I Let You Down

I feel guilty for not working on The White Raven‘s sequel for so long. I let all the people who loved the book down. Initially, I was at a loss on where to take the story. Once I’d finally figured it out and actually sat down to put words onto paper, I choked. It seemed I’d forgotten how to write. Seriously. I couldn’t make a creative sentence. While I could sort of picture the scene in my head, I couldn’t find the words to describe it. It felt much worse than my typical self-doubt. It felt…I don’t know, permanent? Like a chasm had opened up between me and what I wanted to do, with the rope bridge shredded to ribbons.

I have a great fear of mental decline as my father suffered from Alzheimer’s, so all that really scared me. The majority of the time I tried to write, I struggled to form sentences. Only once or twice did words race off my fingertips in a fluid manner. Feeling that I’d lost it–the ability to write–made it even harder to push through. (I’m purposefully writing this in the past tense to put it behind me, to not make it my current reality.)

Plus, my characters had stopped talking to me. I’m sure they’re mad. I don’t blame them. If someone had forgotten about me, I’d be pissed too. My task now is to get reacquainted with all those people, and try to get them to open up and tell me what they want.

To make matters worse, as I re-read The White Raven, I am—sigh, here it goes, I’m going to say it out loud for the first time—I am embarrassed by the writing. For now, I’m going to put this statement aside. Let’s chat about it later.

How I’m Getting Back Into A Groove

Well, I haven’t yet actually but I’m trying hard. I recently went to a writer’s conference to re-energize my creativity and motivation, as well as to give myself a refresher on all the author-y stuff I may have forgotten. I learned some great tips on how to get unstuck, and met some wonderful people that I hope to stay connected with.

Apart from that, I’m trying really hard to manage my “day job” in order to write daily. I’m sure that once I get over this massive, self-imposed hump I’ll be able to strike a balance.

I’m writing this blog mostly for me. Not just to give a voice to my mental troubles but to write something. Any damn thing! My first step to taking control of this crap is to tell you all about it.

The upside is that I know the rest of Aven’s story now. Plus Sylvia and Cal’s, of course, and I’ve started on it. The conclusion of her tale will most likely be two more books. In the next few months, I plan to buckle down and get the first draft finished. It won’t be pretty, doesn’t have to be, but just finishing it will be huge. Huge, I tell you!

Thanks for listening and being patient. Wish me luck!